Lonely At Christmas: How To Cope With Loneliness During Festive Season

I’m as into Christmas as the next person – I love the bright lights, the festive feels, the sense that magic is around the corner (something I’ve learnt from all the Christmas movies I’ve watched over the years) and obviously, the food. But what I find hard is the expectation that Christmas is a time of total togetherness, with cosy warm family lunches, romantic evenings with loved ones and non-stop joy. The truth is, I often feel quite lonely at Christmas.

This loneliness isn’t always linked to anything tangible. I normally spend Christmas with family, so I’m never completely alone. But feeling lonely isn’t the same as being alone – they’re two very different things – and the older I get, the more I realise that being alone can actually feel quite empowering, while I can feel deeply lonely surrounded by people, especially if I don’t feel connected to them.

It doesn’t mean you can’t feel lonely while you’re alone – of course you can, and it’s why there are so many amazing charities out there to help isolated people who inevitably struggle with loneliness. But for me, the loneliness is a feeling that hits me as I scroll my Instagram and see people having the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER, while I’m having a slightly below-average time.

The older I get, the more I realise that being alone can actually feel quite empowering, while I can feel deeply lonely surrounded by people.

Or when I’m single and my coupled-up friends post cute photos of impossibly thoughtful gifts and festive ‘we’re engaged!’ selfies. These are feelings I’m likely to experience in my everyday life too, but they hurt so much more at Christmas because I’m not meant to be feeling this way at the most festive time of year; I’m meant to be bursting with joy like everyone else is.

Over the years, I’ve tried every coping mechanism out there to cope with this loneliness – from calling friends, to pretending it’s not happening (I really don’t recommend this) to trying to speak about it with family members in person. Sometimes reaching out to someone can really ease the loneliness, but it depends on how they react. If they get it, then the sense of connection you’ll feel instantly counteracts the loneliness. But if they respond with a blank look, or a jovial ‘but it’s Christmas!’ then chances are you’re going to feel a hundred times worse.

So, what I’ve now learnt to do when I feel lonely – whether it’s at Christmas or just in my everyday life – is to embrace it. Instead of running away from it and trying to distract myself by calling friends or making plans, I sit in it. If I’m surrounded by people, I’ll find a quiet place (even if it’s the loo) and just take a moment to connect with myself. I’m compassionate to myself, and I tell myself it’s okay to feel lonely. It’s a normal feeling and it’s part of being human. One in four people are currently lonely. I am not alone in my loneliness. I try and connect to all the other people sitting in bathrooms trying not to cry.

And then I treat myself like a friend. Sometimes I do this by giving myself an internal pep talk in the mirror, and sometimes I hide away from everyone, curl up in a corner with my journal, and write it all down. I acknowledge the pressure I'm feeling and congratulate myself on getting through it all. It might not sound like a lot, but just this simple act of self-compassion can ease the loneliness.

One in four people are currently lonely. I am not alone in my loneliness. I try and connect to all the other people sitting in bathrooms trying not to cry.

“It sounds like you’re taking the feelings seriously which is great,” says psychotherapist Michael Toller. ‘Beyond that it’s important for someone to think about, what way is this feeling impacting me? Can I deal with it myself or do I need help with it? You might want to share it, either with someone you trust, or a professional therapist.’

He acknowledges the pressures of societal expectations around Christmas, and urges people to think instead about their personal expectations – do they want to rest? See friends? Family? Or spend time alone? “It’s about thinking about what you want from this time of year. Sometimes it’s good to be alone, and sometimes you want to be around people. Sometimes it’s good to sit with your feelings, but sometimes it’s good to connect with others too. Just be very honest with yourself about what you’re feeling.”

There is no ‘one way’ out of loneliness. It’s different for everyone, and it can change for individuals too. There have been times when I’ve needed to see friends to ease my loneliness, and times when I’ve gone inwards instead. For artist Mari Andrew, loneliness is something she's choosing to see as “fundamental element of the human condition and something that can actually bring us into deeper resonance with humanity.”

She feels deep loneliness at Christmas, but has now learnt to see the positives of it. “Can we begin to see loneliness as something inevitable, and not something wrong with us?” she writes on her newsletter. “Can we see it as the very thing that makes us swoon over twinkle lights, and buy extra food at the supermarket to contribute to the donation barrel? I’m most generous in my times of loneliness because I feel the most interdependent on my fellow humans — especially the ones I don’t know.”

Mari is giving herself the right to feel lonely this Christmas, and so am I. Instead of fighting it, I’m going to be kind to myself when I feel lonely and do whatever it is I need in that moment – whether it’s calling a good friend, comforting myself, or reaching out to my wider community. I already volunteer locally by giving weekly manicures to elderly isolated ladies at my local Age UK centre, and if those familiar lonely pangs start to hit me this Christmas, I’ll be reaching straight for my nail polishes. Followed by my journal, of course.

Dr Cecilia Radecka at digital healthcare provider Livi says: “Being part of a community gives us a strong sense of belonging. Doing activities that we enjoy is good for our mental wellbeing and a way to meet new people. Try taking part in a book club, choir or volunteering at a community garden. One study found that group singing significantly boosts psychological wellbeing." Take that as your cue to do some carol singing, pronto.

Dr Radecka adds: “A study has shown that even going for a walk on your own for at least 20 minutes a day can help to reduce feelings of loneliness. When you’re outdoors, your world opens up. You see nature and other people, and this is a good distraction away from your own thoughts."

• Try to seek connection. This can be speaking to a good friend, or reading a book that you feel truly connected to. I like to listen to particular podcasts that inspire me – like Fearne Cotton’s The Happy Place or Gabby Bernstein’s Dear Gabby – where people are honest about the struggles they’re going through. It makes me feel just as connected as a phone call with a friend.
• Think about everyone else feeling lonely right now. You’re not alone in this, and it’s a completely normal feeling.
• Reach out to your community. Maybe there’s a way you can volunteer? Or if you can’t give up your time, maybe you can just do a small act of charity like give a donation or give all your old coats to charities collecting for the homeless. Giving back is the best way to feel connected.
• Be your own best friend. It sounds cliche but it works. If you’re able to support yourself through your loneliness, and swap any negative self-talk for kind self-compassion, then you’ll notice you don’t actually feel so lonely anymore. You might even feel happy alone.

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